6/11/2023
hello and good morning (evening, since its like 12:00 am..)! as you can see, i've revamped my blog, how cute is that? i've spent the past 3 weeks absolutely procrastinating and the only coding i've done was my freakin tumblr blog.. anyways, you may be thinking, "what on earth has had you so busy?"and to that.. i answer..pinterest! i've been essentially living on pinterest the past few weeks, you can really find some good stuff if you dig deep enough. anywho, i moved instagram accounts (again..) because i was sick of logging onto 500 notifs. like typically attention is a good thing but if you know me personally, you know i hate being in the spotlight and it makes me absolutely NERVOUS! which, i know the point of social media is to seek and get attention, but i just use it for my friends and to watch funny dog videos.. (* ￣︿￣).. i've been chatting with my friend lele a lot more lately and its kinda cool seeing how we see eye to eye on so many things, i met her gf and her friend too which is always so nice, i love meeting new people, especially if its someone my friends love!~ anyways, that aside, i've been doing some shopping lately.. the other day i bought a super cute dress! i was sure i could fit it since it was in the
womens isle but guess what? i get home and try it on.. and its a
kids size small which obviously won't fit me! the lowest i can fit is an s in womens, so it was a bummer bringing it home and it fit moreso like a xs, which doesnt fit my chest at all! well, it fit, but it was suffocating. i cut the inside layer of satin to try to get it to fit better, which worked kinda, but turns out its way too short! i didn't even know the brand made kids dresses, but i get home, google it, and low and behold.. its a childrens dress. seriously, whoever grabbed it from the kids isle and put it back in the womens pisses me off! knowing its in a store where you shouldnt try on things since its mostly returns (which are marked down for that reason..) and i never try on returned clothing before washing. how annoying!
however, i've been looking into the jp brand, MARS, as of late, the one that made gyaru clothing in the 2010s and i'm obsessed! sadly, proxy shipping is way too high, im not paying 200 shipping for a freakin sweater, cough..buyee..i've also been super obsessed with axes femme & liz lisa as of late, don't get me wrong, i've loved these brands for years but now that i'm older.. i appreciate it way more, you know? (╯▽╰ ) look at the excellent craftsmanship of these pieces..
(m*ars)
(liz lisa)
man, gyaru in general has all of my respect! i've always loved it, i used to dress kogal when i was around 15 actually.. i would insert pictures but they're a bit too embarrassing, so no thanks (¬‿¬) all of that aside.. lets talk
music!so, my friends convinced me to sign up to last fm again, awesome! and i just checked my scrobbles... turns out i have an embarrassing amount of bladee plays and i have a tendency to zone out and dissociate while looping thaiboy digital songs..?tonight, i played IDGAF over 10 times in a row and i had absolutely 0 clue until i went to check, i don't know if its a glitch or thats what actually happened, but if thats what happened its a little funny... the other day an artist i've never heard of,
snow strippers came onto my autoplay.. i'm obsessed to say the least, i think april mixtape 3 is one of my favorite mixtapes i've ever heard, which says a lot. it trails right behind trash island, which is a massive compliment! i'm not much of a mixtape person, more of an EP & Album person, since i love when every song ties together and works together to "tell a story" of sorts, or those gorgeous transitions where the start of the next song is the ending of the previous.. beautiful o(^▽^)o! speaking of transitions, have you heard SPIRIT OF THE BEEHIVE's hypnic jerks?? every song transitions into eachother seamlessly, the start of each song is the previous songs ending & vice versa, i think its so beautiful! i remember listening to this album driving all the way from north carolina to idaho, and listening to ecco2k's e the entire time driving from idaho to utah.. so many memories surrounding music, i think its beautiful!
by the way, i wanna put something i wrote on tumblr here too, to make it easier to imortalize..
photographs and memories
"there is something so incredibly important about recording memories with friends and loved ones, photos, videos, not just to post, infact, strictly to NOT post and to just keep safe and look back on years later. i made a song with 2 of my friends who i eventually lost contact with and we didnt post it, we just.. made it for fun, just the three of us, and its still saved to my computer, my phone, and archived in a private link on my soundcloud. its special moments like those, where you just feel the need and want to connect and create, that should be cherished for all of eternity. i have countless videos and pictures of me just hanging out with my mom and my dad. will i ever post them? absolutely not, i just keep them on digital cameras and files, in sketchbooks and notebooks, as a time capsule. to show that no matter how bad things get, you still have your friends and / or your family, and thats what truly matters in the grand scheme isnt it?
i have countless videos of me handstitching things or using my sewing machine just to look back on in a few years, countless videos of me cooking, or just cracking eggs, or just washing produce. videos of the spices at grocery stores and new exotic fruits that they stock every once and a while. photos from the asian grocery store so that next time i go i can remember what isles to go to, videos of the grass in my front yard before i pull the weeds. just to remember. " -
my tumblranyways, begin expecting more frequent updates! we're so back, baby!
mirror of my spacehey(abandoned) blog about the internet & my connection to it
ever since i was a little girl, i used the internet to express myself.. dress up games to tumblr, all of it, was used as an outlet. my earliest memory was playing dressup doll games on the computer & watching clips of lucky star in 240p quality while listening to vocaloid in my living room as a small small child, of course, my mom was cooking dinner during all of this, so i can smell dinner when i think of that memory.. germany, 8 pm, shes making banana pudding & tuna sandwiches for me and her while my dad is working.. its such a sweet thing to think of now that i come to think about it..♪(´▽｀) way before i discovered the bitterness of the world, the world to me was just schnuffel bunny & vocaloid..
i never had many friends growing up. i had maybe three actual friends IRL, i was severely bullied before going on to become homeschooled from third grade all the way up to highschool, which i went on to do online schooling for that aswell because quite frankly, i was terrified of leaving my house due to my increasing social anxiety along with quarantine happening about ~2 years into my school life. anyways, thats enough backstory, back to my main point.
anywho, i've been expressing myself online for a LONG time as you can tell, i first began uploading my animations and artwork to youtube in 2016..? and i went on to upload my music to soundcloud in 2018. i made a lot of online friends, and even had a partner who i met online which lasted around 4 years. which doesnt sound impressive until i tell you, we began dating in MIDDLE SCHOOL! we dated all the way until.. i was almost 16? lol..
the internet was my refuge and escape from various traumas that had happened to me over the course of the past few years, traumas i was too scared to go to therapy or even open up for, so i'd express my pain on anonymous accounts and abandon them later on. i have countless deviantart accounts that i used purely for vent art and nothing else, that i would later abandon once i realized people could probably tell it was me.
darkness aside, i have many good memories involving uploading my work online aswell, from my various soundcloud aliases to my various artist aliases, one of which would become extremely successful due to my original characters when i was 14, i later abandoned this alias for safety reasons that i won't get into here.. along with all of the fanfiction i read and wrote when i was 12.. so.. much.. fanfiction.. specifically bandom fanfiction, do you all remember bandom?? bandom was a nice time on the internet, we were all just having so much fun on those "___ is ____'s song" and "bandomconfessions" accounts.. no fear of judgement or anything, we could just write stories where we dated our favorite band member and others thought it was the coolest thing to ever grace this planet..
i feel like, without the internet i wouldnt be who i am today, okay, i will admit, i went through some edgy phases to try to fit in with the cishet white kids online since.. being me online was hard! i had to participate in edginess or else run the risk of being called heinous.. heinous things. i was a huge leafyishere fan (now that i think about it.. ew!) and frequented boards of 4chan that i'd never frequent now that i'm older and you know.. have a soul that isnt as dark as the void?
i feel like. . . . if i didnt have the internet at the age i did, i wouldnt had discovered stuff that was lifechanging to me, for example GTBSG was just purely by chance, 10 year old me poking around on soundcloud, youtube, tumblr and twitter, just looking for something, anything new to stimulate my little senses.. and i found it! that group literally and figuratively changed my life in the best sense possible. i feel like i found my calling through their music.
i think that.. no matter how bad and judgemental the internet gets, it'll always be important to me, like yeah, i hate how social media operates nowadays, and all the microtrends that results in so much waste and landfills getting bigger, but if you focus on yourself, delete tiktok, stop doomscrolling, the internet is fun, once you go back to putting in the effort to find new websites, to read peoples personal pages and shrines.. the internet feels a lot more alive again. the internet was taken over by corporations but theres people trying to take it back, even if its a vocal minority, we're still here, and those people who put in the effort mean more to me than they'll ever know.. o(*￣▽￣*)o
i love you internet, even if you suck sometimes.
6/11/2023
good morning again! today i made pancakes, i was supposed to go to church but bad weather prevented me, so now im just at home eating and chilling out on my couch, did some more updates to this page, theres music now!ヾ(^▽^*))) , still moving all my personality test results over to here, but whenever i just copy and paste it from my old blog, it breaks the whole page, i guess the css is colliding with the css here so ill just have to move them all seperately instead of in bulk which.. will take a while..
social media "fame" is a joke! 6/12/23
okay.. i talk about this a lot but social media is a literal joke, everything on it is so fake and i dont get why its taken so seriously. popularity, fame.. who even cares? we're all human in the long run and we literally arent built for this, we are not built to have a
magnifying glass held up to our entire being. at all. see, i've dealt with online fame and it sucks! a lot! everyone is examining you, waiting for you to slip up so they can write a thread or a callout or a smear campaign on you and honestly.. i'm tired of it? the "me" i show on social media is way different from the me on my website, or my texts and calls with friends. honestly, if the things i said in voice calls were to be recorded and leaked, there would be a whole smear campaign on me. i've dealt with actual stalking from girls who wanted to be me, or guys who wanted to be
with me which sounds very main character and that sort of thing is sought after but its annoying, at most, scary. social media fuels people thinking borderline or
literal stalking is okay, because APPARENTLY once you post pictures to instagram you're some "public figure"..(ノへ￣、)which think about it, makes no sense. anyone and everyone is famous nowadays, actual celebrities are unheard of due to literal children on tiktok being seen as the new generation of celebrities which is honestly super messed up. no kid should be in the spotlight that way, seriously, do you see how old men comment on 15 year old tiktokers posts??
anyways, stop making kids "famous" for money, stop fighting for fame, stop starting drama for fame. just exist. just vibe. have a bit of fun. thats all there is to it. all of this is so immature, wanting to be famous is immature. drama is too. stop..
6/13/23
good morning.. well, evening! its almost 5 pm! i wanted to talk about one of my favorite rpgmaker games of all time,
pen pals, this game is very dear to my heart, i played it for the first time in 2015, it introduced me to one of my favorite bands, the unicorns, via their song peach moon. pen pals is an emotional game about searching for your mother. this game is absolutely heartwrenching and absolutely WRECKS me every single time i play it, i tell ya. the visuals, the dialouge soundtrack.. i think everyone has gotta play it atleast once someday! well, i don't wanna spoil too much, but its impossible to talk about without spoilers. the game follows a young girl and her best friend, who search for her mother. the main character lives with a stepdad who is implied to be neglectful and at the most physically abusive. later in the game you are asked to solve a riddle in order to get an item which you need to beat the game.. "what's close to home yet far away? a sudden change is not okay. which once was here has been replaced, your home has grown a different taste. a familliar face has been displaced, you feel as if you don't like this place." you're given several potential answers to the question, but heres the catch, you get only
one chance to solve this riddle, which if you get it wrong, you'll have to start the game over. this seems like a trick question but the only answer is "a new dad.". after solving this riddle, you proceed to enter the nightclub, which is where the MC finds her mom who is black out drunk. you take her to the local hotel which triggers a horror sequence with loud noises & an unsettling atmosphere. despite the game being 2D and low detail, it really does crawl under your skin.. at the end of the game, you reach a screen that says that in time you'll be fine.
nothing can describe how much i love this game, despite its simplicity. next i wanna talk about another favorite game of mine, pom gets wifi.
pom gets wifi is a witty, comedic game with some hints of darkness. it follows a dog, pom, who stays in all day (scrolling tumblr, because of course..), until one day, her entire home burns down. she and her owner die and she gets sent to doggy heaven, which.. oh no! no wifi. (yes, all she cares about is the wifi) she must go on a journey with the various dogs she meets along the way to get wifi, from taking creepshots for some stalker obsessed with the local baker, to sneaking into parks and dodging bullets. it can be quite infuriating, because one wrong desicion can send you right to the start again. anyways, pom is one of my favorite video game characters of all time. shes annoying and no one likes her but in the funny way, shes quite stuck up and snobby but not in a way that makes you really mad, moreso in a "lol how naieve" typa way. she has an insane obsession with fanfiction, tumblr and yaoi, a nod to the internet culture of the time.. (cough, phan fanfictions and various bandom fics).. theres not too much i can say about rpgmaker games without demanding you play them yourself, my favorite thing about them is how simplistic they are, and quite short in duration. many rpgmaker games serve the function of a less advanced visual novel in a sense, which i also love! anyways, thats all for now, byebye!
6/14/23
good afternoon! lets talk music! okay, so i turned on my youtube autoplay last night while chatting with some random people in the y0001 cord and let youtube take me down a rabbit hole of new albums and songs i've never heard before, along with lele showing me some awesome mixes, i found lotsa good stuff, i'm here to share the albums i found on my own!
first up, we have the underground youth - Mademoiselle. if i'm honest, i'm unsure of what the genre actually is? Google says its ukrainian rock, but the
RYM page says they're from the UK and.. germany? RYM also says its psychadelic, but it sounds way different from the psychadelic i grew up listening to, maybe i was listening to some subgenre that i was unaware of.. well, thats not important! my favorite track off this album has to be Mercury Guitar, the hazy, distorted sound of the guitar surely soothes my chaotic soul..
, plus, whats not to love about a nice, long track! all of my favorite songs are fairly long, and if they arent already, i slow them down to make them longer, just because short songs dont keep my attention..
next, Allah-Las, a self titled album by, you guessed it, Allah-Las! this is a surf rock album from 2012, september 18, just a few days after my birthday. surf rock is something i've never listened to much of due to just not feeling much interest in it, but i feel like this definently sparked my love for surf. despite this album not being old at all, it has an authentic hazy, vintage sound to it thats just so difficult to replicate in much newer music. it sounds like something your uncle would make in the garage with his friends while you watched, so nostalgic..
even though my dad or uncles never had a band in a garage, it makes me nostalgic for a time where it happened, though that never happened, which is kinda funny! it reminds me tons of how it felt going to the beach as a kid.. My favorite track off the album is the first track, cataraman.
pudding club - songs before bed. this is an instrumental album full of guitar and cozy, soft tunes! i listened to this while rereading pinky and pepper forever and 920 london, and man, i reccomend everyone does that. its lifechanging! i can't really choose a favorite track, as they're all equally perfect to me. i used to listen to a lot of mathrock back in highschool and i wish this album had existed back then.. it came out a while after i graduated, actually!
its all around very groovy ! please have a listen to it soon!
6/16/23
hello everyone, good morning! lately, i've had quite a bit of a headache, i just took painkillers and its gone away so.. prayerfully it stays away! how is everyone today? i'm good, today i'm going to an event with my mom and seeing one of her friends since i don't get to see her very often. i'm gonna make a cake for her tomorrow morning.. so exciting! ヾ(￣▽￣) today sadly.. i don't have much to talk about, but i'm really happy to see that punkinlovee will be playing a live show soon, i thought they quit forever :(.. so glad to see them back! they're headlining with a ton of my favorite artists so im like screaming inside..
oh, lets talk about some more music! so lately, i've been listening to a lot of mr floyd larry & new order.. (along with the artists i discussed with you in the previous blog entry..) mr floyd larry's music really speaks to me, i was reminicising the other day about back when i lived up north and i'd listen to Alex G while going to the local donut shop in 2018.. that was such a sad period of my life, but i found so much good music, mr floyd larry reminds me of those times, but not the bad times, the good ones!
i also found a really good album, just another diamond day by vashti bunyan, fun fact, copies of the album physically are incredibly hard to come by so one goes for thousands, a true classic, good investment record if you're the type who likes to resell things after a long time.. its a lovely folk album with beautiful woodwind melodies and gentle, airy vocals.. i truly hope folk music has a resurgance and more music like this gets made.. well, i'll write more when i get home tonight, bye!
7/28/23
hello!! its been a while, i've been working on many things including perfecting some of my recipes. i've been a little "blegh" lately but it'll pass. i don't know if you've noticed.. but i've revamped and added new pages to my website! i have quite a bit more stuff to revamp though. i've been doing generally well though, i've began cutting toxic people out of my life and becoming more self aware in realizing that i'm miserable because i refuse to set boundaries with people. one thing i've come to accept after a whole life of people pleasing is..
1. i'm avoidant. and 2. setting boundaries doesnt mean i hate them, infact its out of love, its a way to say "i dont hate you, nor do i ever want to hate you, so heres how we can present resentment.." it just sucks when people intentionally break them which is kinda what lead to the downfall of many of my relationships, it all came down in the end to them violating my boundaries which caused me to become very detached from them & now i'm sorta avoidant when it comes to everyone, which sucks, but its alright..
anyways, i've been doing lots of research, specifically on psychology. i remember learning about freud and his theories in highschool but i didn't really get it, so now i'm looking into it again. i feel like he was just weird and came up with theories to justify his mommy fetish, honestly, but i think his dream theory is kinda real & true to some extent? of course, not all dreams reflect desires, but many of them do, and its true they can reflect the persons mental state & subconcious (sometimes) aswell.
i used to want to be a psychologist in middle school.. i decided not to though (after reading the DSM 5..) mostly becausei have my own issues to deal with and i don't think i'm in the right place to help others professionally.. what i do think i'm in the place for though, is to make the world smile with my cooking & baking! who DOESNT love a sweet treat or a nice loaf of bread? i make all of my stuff without preservatves and fillers, something thats highly sought after now, and i think i could make people happy with the things i make after i perfect all of my recipes. next i'm gonna make buttermilk biscuits & crossaints! i'm a little nervous about the crossaints because they seem difficult. so much work.. same with chocolate cornets, given it took me over a year of trial and error to get the
perfect bread with the most perfect crumb.. i feel like it'll take me a while longer to develop those aswell since baking is a science! i'm not gonna go into food science right now, but i studied it in culinary school and man its the most interesting thing to me ever. its so interesting how different types of flours, yeasts, etc. can completely change the product despite to the average person, all yeasts are the same, and the only difference between AP flour v. cake flour v. bread flour are the names.
i began learning about food science in 3rd grade while trying to learn about how to make candy, because at the time my dream was to make my own candy for me and my friends. i feel like that would still be fun, but its incredibly difficult to do in a home kitchen with minimal gear.. speaking of gear, i don't have a standmixer yet! it makes things SO difficult, honestly, but its good that i'm learning how to improvise and check doneness via poke tests & closely observing texture, when you use a standmixer, a lot of the work is taken out of it, so working a lot harder is very useful to me.
but you know what grinds my gears??
BEATING EGG WHITES. its SO easy to mess up and so easy to not turn into anything, if you arent paying attention its easy to overbeat them and your stiff peaks will turn back into liquid! the one true and honest test is the flip bowl test, but what if you didnt whip it properly and it spills everywhere?? its so anxiety inducing! plus its so hard to do by hand, last time i did it took OVER AN HOUR of nonstop whisking. i was so tired, i just gave up before it even hit stiff peaks. it was for a fluffy omellete.
it didnt come out exactly like this, but it was still really fluffyand delicious, and worth the labor.
7/30/23
finally.. july is coming to an end. this has been a hard month, weirdly enough, whenever i begin feeling really bad its always july.. that's remained a constant fact in my life despite me being everchanging,everevolving, always a husk of my formerself in a sense. it's strange-- i don't know if summer depression is a real thing, but i have it (or i might just be depressed, but im in denial so i'll blame the sun.) it's been so hot out, a massive heatwave across the country. i almost threw up today because it was so hot. i'm excited for autumn.
i've decided its time to change who i am. i think i'm a little tired of always being on edge, even if that part of me has remained constant my entire life since i hit the age of ten. whatever though, if i ignore it, maybe it'll go away, even temporarily? i'm getting ready to go to bed, i just have a lot on my mind.
i feel like irl , i figuratively have a piece of tape over my mouth. whenever i open my mouth i feel scared & even sick. i say i'm just shy, but in reality i have debilitating anxiety, and right now its really bad. i feel incapable.
7/31/23. trigger warning : ed.
where do i begin.. i feel myself relapsing, even though i said i'd never go back. i don't even hate my body, i'm just afraid. i love food so much, but most of it scares me. i've been in and out of recovery for like a year. i'm so tired, i feel like a failure. i went from BED to ana, it feels like i'm trapped. i feel like theres eyes on me no matter what, everything i buy, even though nobody cares and all of my purchases at the store are healthy (even my snacks are low sugar / low sodium because i simply dont crave salt or sugar regularly..) i feel like i'm being judged and made fun of. my arms are flabby and theres a pouch of fat above my knee, and it feels like everyone is staring at it, thinking i'm gross. i was obese as a child, it began when i first moved to america and i guess despite dropping weight, due to genetics and my height, i look a lot more stubby, and my arms hold fat and muscle a lot more than the rest of my body. i want it to go away. i'm tired. i feel like my mind is decaying. i just wanna be happy & not scared anymore. i think all of the trauma i went through had such a bad effect on me, to the point of where i dont feel like i deserve being healthy so i unintentionally destroy my body through the most unhealthy habits (starving and binging). i can't even work out, because its too dangerous to even be outside because of the heat. i'm not big or ugly, but my brain is always playing tricks on me. sometimes i look in the mirror and see only my flaws, i can't notice the things i love about myself many days. all because of a stupid habit i picked up when i was 13. last year i was fainting and my hair was falling out, i was losing 10 lbs per week. i was sick. it was scary. i dont want that to happen again, i can't be sick again, i cant put my parents and my friends through seeing me that way again. i hate it here.
8/1/23
today i had three cups of tea. i just finished off my third. today was a good day, i went to the asian grocery store with my dad for the first time and he tried my favorite coffee that i get from there (he liked it, woohoo!)& i got a lot of bread, specifically chocolate cornets, a danish, melon pan & they gave me some free bread which is probably the highlight of my day. i got this really cute bottle of green tea, it has rilakkuma on it, so of course i had to buy it! its unsweetened iced green tea, i'm happy its unsweetened. i dont like my green tea sweet unless its sweetened with purely mango juice or pieces of fresh dragonfruit. i guess i'm a bit of a teasnob, i'm so particular about it.. i've been tired. i had a bad nose bleed today, it made me cough up a bit of blood since it dripped to the back of my throat while i was trying to keep from bleeding all over the place. i can't wait for summer to end. my back hurts very badly lately too! so annoying.. anyways, recently i've been into cheif keef, an artist i never listened to until the other day which is surprising given that i listen to sematary. i like keef more than sem , honestly. i developed a stim (autism) that causes me to punch myself & press firmy onto my collarbones and legs, my collarbones are bruised and tender now. i'm gonna try to find a way to get different stems, from as far as i can remember my stims have always been harmful, if its not picking at my skin its pulling out my hair, if its not that, its me punching or pinching or scratching myself. it doesnt hurt much, its just annoying and i freak out if i cant do it.
12/19/23
december is coming to a close, and its time for the new year. i'm very excited~ this year i learned a lot, and i met my two best friends, lele and crystal. i got back into contact with my old friend, keith, aswell. i've gone through many ups and downs, namely a breakup that happened last month which i surprisingly got over pretty fast. i'm back motivated to code, and i've moved back up west into the mountains. the internet has become so stale to me as of late so warmpudding is being revived, what a surprise~! i added new pages, i added a page dedicated to bladee cause i finally got over my embarrasment about it all. life is going well, my mental health hasnt been the absolute best but when has it ever been good.. (wwww), i love everything. everything is so beautiful -- even within the ugly theres still beauty. i was thinking the other night, and i went "holy shit ," you know, when you're laying in bed and get that sudden "life is beautiful and i shouldnt kill myself" revealed unto you. anyways, i'm quite tired. ill write another entry when theres something to say .. ive been baking a lot of bread tho lol
end of entry for today~~